I was just on Crossdressers.com and someone posted about "being dressed in your dreams".
I think this is a very interesting topic that I want to write about in more detail in a future post or column. I do know that you can learn a lot from your dreams.
I've known I was "different" for most of my life but I never dreamed about me being dressed until about 2 years ago. It corresponds very closely with when I started wearing full makeup, wig, etc.
Until that point I really think that I had an impulse to dress in feminine things but didn't really understand it. In fact, I was actually trying to stop it. I don't think I really had a "self image" of my self as a woman but instead as a man that felt very comfortable with feminine things and as I mentioned it was very impulsive. I would put it off and try to make it stop and then give in and dress and then put it off and try to stop, etc.
Once I started fully dressing in makeup and a wig and full dress, top-to-bottom and actually transforming into a woman I then began to try to understand and accept my true self. I actually became at peace with who and what I am about two years ago. When that happened I started having more and more dreams where I was a woman in the dream. Now I am a woman in the greater majority of my dreams.
It is quite interesting and I think it says a lot about how we truly view ourselves.
Kisses,
Allie
Tuesday, December 29th 2009 - Guilt By Association
I do need to vent a little and maybe get some input if you don't mind.
I got 11 days in a row off for the holidays. This is something that only happens rarely. I've worked 6 days a week, 70 hour weeks, 12 nights a month in a hotel room traveling for 5 straight years.
Well since I had the time off I had big plans to express my true feminine self as much as possible. I wanted to get my first laser treatment on my beard, go out to the mall and spend a couple of entire days en femme.
Well, things didn't work out exactly as I planned...actually nothing I planned worked out.
My family was in town for Christmas but that wasn't going to interfere with any of my plans.
Here is what happened. My nephew, which I rarely get to see, was also in town visiting his father (my brother) for Christmas too. He stayed with us so we could spend some time together. Well he was supposed to leave on Monday but my wife talked his family into letting him stay with us all week (without talking to me first).
As you can imagine I wasn't too happy with the fact that this was going to put a big kink in my plans but I also wanted to spend more time with him so I gave in. I figured that I could take him home Wednesday and still have time to do my other stuff.
Well my wife got mad at me for objecting to him staying ALL week. She acted like I was only thinking about myself. Now, I am the last person on this Earth that can be accused of being selfish. As I mentioned I work my ass off to provide for my family. I also was willing to have him stay most of the week and drive him two hours home and have to drive two hours back so he could stay.
I only really get to dress 2-4 times for a total of maybe 10 hours each month. That means that I spend 500 hours a month (not counting sleeping time where I dream about being dressed) that I wish I was able to express my true self and only 10 hours that I can actually do it. Is that selfish?
Well, as it turns out I'm not going to be able to get my laser treatment or go out to the mall dressed and I might only get to go out this Saturday night (if I'm lucky).
Well since I had the time off I had big plans to express my true feminine self as much as possible. I wanted to get my first laser treatment on my beard, go out to the mall and spend a couple of entire days en femme.
Well, things didn't work out exactly as I planned...actually nothing I planned worked out.
My family was in town for Christmas but that wasn't going to interfere with any of my plans.
Here is what happened. My nephew, which I rarely get to see, was also in town visiting his father (my brother) for Christmas too. He stayed with us so we could spend some time together. Well he was supposed to leave on Monday but my wife talked his family into letting him stay with us all week (without talking to me first).
As you can imagine I wasn't too happy with the fact that this was going to put a big kink in my plans but I also wanted to spend more time with him so I gave in. I figured that I could take him home Wednesday and still have time to do my other stuff.
Well my wife got mad at me for objecting to him staying ALL week. She acted like I was only thinking about myself. Now, I am the last person on this Earth that can be accused of being selfish. As I mentioned I work my ass off to provide for my family. I also was willing to have him stay most of the week and drive him two hours home and have to drive two hours back so he could stay.
I only really get to dress 2-4 times for a total of maybe 10 hours each month. That means that I spend 500 hours a month (not counting sleeping time where I dream about being dressed) that I wish I was able to express my true self and only 10 hours that I can actually do it. Is that selfish?
Well, as it turns out I'm not going to be able to get my laser treatment or go out to the mall dressed and I might only get to go out this Saturday night (if I'm lucky).
We were talking about my selfishness in bed and how I always think about myself my wife said, "I don't want to talk about any of those things any more". She totally shut me down. Now I think she intentionally ask my nephew to stay all week to sabotage my plans.
Lately she is acting really weird and I think I know why.
My wife has been very supportive over the past 8 months since I came out to her. Not perfect but pretty close. I have a lot of rules and lines in the sand that have been drawn but overall I think things were heading the right direction. I really couldn't have asked for more.
One of my best friends in the world (also one of her good friends) just got Facial Feminization Surgery and a Breast Implants this past Monday morning. I think that my wife is starting to get worried about me taking things a lot further. I mean, she might be thinking that if one of my best friends did it then I'll want to go and do it.
I'll tell you right now, if I wasn't married, had no kids, had no other responsibilities, could support myself and it wouldn't hurt anyone I would probably consider doing some things. Probably the farthest I would go would be the breast implants, get rid of my facial and some body hair and maybe a little face lift at some point. I would definitely be a woman more often...maybe not all the time...but more often. I certainly wouldn't want to get my pee pee cut off. I love it and don't want to do anything to get rid of it or harm it. :) But that is beside the point. There is NO WAY that I can do those things even if I wanted to based on my current situation.
I don't know what to do. I can't convince her that going part of the way doesn't mean you are going to go all the way. I would love to get rid of my beard. I would love to be able to express my true self more often but I would never consider getting SRS or doing hormones or anything like that.
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that all my hard work and patience is going to go right down the drain.
Kisses,
Allie
Lately she is acting really weird and I think I know why.
My wife has been very supportive over the past 8 months since I came out to her. Not perfect but pretty close. I have a lot of rules and lines in the sand that have been drawn but overall I think things were heading the right direction. I really couldn't have asked for more.
One of my best friends in the world (also one of her good friends) just got Facial Feminization Surgery and a Breast Implants this past Monday morning. I think that my wife is starting to get worried about me taking things a lot further. I mean, she might be thinking that if one of my best friends did it then I'll want to go and do it.
I'll tell you right now, if I wasn't married, had no kids, had no other responsibilities, could support myself and it wouldn't hurt anyone I would probably consider doing some things. Probably the farthest I would go would be the breast implants, get rid of my facial and some body hair and maybe a little face lift at some point. I would definitely be a woman more often...maybe not all the time...but more often. I certainly wouldn't want to get my pee pee cut off. I love it and don't want to do anything to get rid of it or harm it. :) But that is beside the point. There is NO WAY that I can do those things even if I wanted to based on my current situation.
I don't know what to do. I can't convince her that going part of the way doesn't mean you are going to go all the way. I would love to get rid of my beard. I would love to be able to express my true self more often but I would never consider getting SRS or doing hormones or anything like that.
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that all my hard work and patience is going to go right down the drain.
Kisses,
Allie
Tuesday, December 22nd 2009 - Why do I like to show off so much?
There is no doubt that I am an exhibitionist.
The other night we were at a club in Dallas. It was kinda early and there were probably 40 or 50 people just milling around the dance floor chatting and stuff. In the middle of the floor was a small stage like they have at the Olympics, with three levels. I'm not sure why it was there.
Anyway, I walked into the club with my wife and 4 girl friends of mine.
I walked right out on the dance floor, stepped up on the top level of the stage and started dancing my little heart out.
I would look around the outside edge of the floor and watch people watching me. I'd make eye contact and then kinda give them a little personal show directed to them.
I regularly am the first one on the floor. I just strut right out there and do my thing.
I would never have done that a few years ago. Now I get a real "charge" out of it. I know that the confidence it takes to do something like that attracts people. I have people come up to me all night long and comment because I am comfortable with being the center of attention.
I'll be the first to tell you that I am actually very humble and will generally never toot my own horn. But I guess I show off for people so they will toot it for me.
It is probably a combination exhibitionism and narcissism.
Funny because I am really very shy and really care about others more than myself. Maybe it is my way of coping with those feelings of inferiority. To do things to draw attention to myself so they will compliment me.
It is like...why did I respond to this message. Was is to help others or to show off and get more attention?
Who knows?
Kisses,
Allie
The other night we were at a club in Dallas. It was kinda early and there were probably 40 or 50 people just milling around the dance floor chatting and stuff. In the middle of the floor was a small stage like they have at the Olympics, with three levels. I'm not sure why it was there.
Anyway, I walked into the club with my wife and 4 girl friends of mine.
I walked right out on the dance floor, stepped up on the top level of the stage and started dancing my little heart out.
I would look around the outside edge of the floor and watch people watching me. I'd make eye contact and then kinda give them a little personal show directed to them.
I regularly am the first one on the floor. I just strut right out there and do my thing.
I would never have done that a few years ago. Now I get a real "charge" out of it. I know that the confidence it takes to do something like that attracts people. I have people come up to me all night long and comment because I am comfortable with being the center of attention.
I'll be the first to tell you that I am actually very humble and will generally never toot my own horn. But I guess I show off for people so they will toot it for me.
It is probably a combination exhibitionism and narcissism.
Funny because I am really very shy and really care about others more than myself. Maybe it is my way of coping with those feelings of inferiority. To do things to draw attention to myself so they will compliment me.
It is like...why did I respond to this message. Was is to help others or to show off and get more attention?
Who knows?
Kisses,
Allie
Monday, December 14th 2009 - To Thine Own Self Be True
To Thine Own Self Be True
This is a repost of my most recent column on URNotAlone.com. If you didn't know, I've recently become a regular columnist on the site. My column's name is "Out of the Closet". The idea of the column is to inspire and educate transpeople on how to come out to themselves, family, friends and the world.
I hope you enjoy...
My first column was an introduction to who I am, my background, some of the issues I've faced and how I came out to my wife. This column is going to cover some very important things that have to be done before you even consider "coming out" to your friends and loved ones.
WARNING: This is only the first of many steps you'll need to take before you are ready to "come out". Don't take that leap until you have thought through all the possible scenarios, how you are going to react to their reactions and are sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are going to come out to your friends or loved ones. I'll probably write my next article about these things but there are a few things we have to cover first.
I think coming out to a loved one or friend is probably best compared to closing the biggest "sale" of your life. You are going to have to do the best "sales job" that you've ever done. To sell something effectively you have to believe in it. If you really believe in your product with all your heart and soul, it will come across to your prospective buyer. They will see your belief in your eyes and hear it in your voice. They don't buy what you are selling. They buy you.
What you say is important but how you say it is crucial. When I came out to my wife, and in many of our conversations since then, I tend to get a little emotional, bursting out in tears, most of the time. Now I'm not saying you should fake tears to make someone feels sorry for you. What I'm saying is that if your wife truly loves you and she can really see the pain you've felt and how important it is to you...that it isn't just some passing fancy...she SHOULD accept it more readily.
Unfortunately, if you don't believe or are faking it they will sense it. It doesn't matter how well you say it. They'll see through the charade. You only get one chance at this one so proper preparation is vital to your success. What is the first step to "coming out"?
To Thine Own Self Be True
This famous phrase is from the play Hamlet, written by William Shakespeare, and was undoubtedly inspired by Socrates (know thyself). It basically means "do not deceive yourself". If you deceived or lie to yourself then you are very likely to attempt to deceive others and vice-versa.
Ok, so what does some ancient quote have to do with "coming out" to your friends, family and the world?
The answer is "EVERYTHING".
How can you stop lying to them if you haven't stopped lying to yourself?
How can they know you if you don't know you?
How can you explain to them what you want if you don't know what you want?
How can they accept you if you haven't accepted you?
We all have to get in touch with our true reasons and motives for dressing.
Now, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this stuff. Some people need expert help to answer these questions. But I believe that most of us have the answers and have the ability to reason it out for ourselves. You just have to do what is necessary to get to know yourself. You probably will never know everything but you can get close.
Here are a couple of articles that I highly recommend you read:
What is Gender and Who is Transgendered?
http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/what_is_gender.htm
If I had to pick one article to hand to someone that explained gender, this would be the article. I believe it is spot on. I formed most of the same opinions on my own before I ever read it but the article spells out gender and gender issues from a scientific perspective better than any other article I've read.
A good friend of mine, Nikkie Stallen, wrote a document on communication:
http://www.femmexstudios.com/Files/Communication.doc
Nikkie and I don't agree on everything. We have very spirited debates about a lot of things but reading this article really put a lot of things in perspective for me and was very helpful in my relationship with my wife. It is the best article I've seen on communicating with your SO.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
- When did this begin?
- Why did it begin?
- Why do you feel compelled to do this?
- What is it that motivates you to dress?
- What exactly is it that you want?
- Where do you want this to go?
Here are some additional questions that your wife and other loved ones are definitely going to have:
- Are you gay or bisexual?
- Do you want to become a woman?
- Are you mentally ill?
- Why can't you just stop?
- Is this some kind of fetish?
- What will everyone think if they find out?
- Who can I talk to about this?
- Aren't you satisfied with me?
- What have I done wrong?
- Can we ever have a "normal" relationship again?
- Will I still get to spend time with the man I love?
- What will happen to us if I accept this?
- What will happen to us if I don't accept this?
If you don't know the answers to these questions then you are going to have a tough time answering them. Right? You have to answer these questions as accurately and honestly as possible.
You have to KNOW the answers and BELIEVE the answers with every ounce of your being.
I try to question everything, form an opinion and then question the opinion.
Sometimes it is really hard to give an honest answer because you start thinking about all the repercussions of your answer. One little trick that I like to use to get to my true feelings is to reframe my situation then ask the question.
Let's take the question "Do you want to become a woman?" as an example. Based on my existing situation (married, children, job, family, financial responsibilities, etc) the answer is an easy one, "No". It is easy because there is no way that I could afford to do it or want to put that on my family and kids. If I reframe the question it could change the answer or might confirm that what I want to do is what I need to or have to do. So, If my situation was different (single, had no kids, was independently wealthy, had no family and it wouldn't hurt anyone or myself) would I want to become a woman? By reframing the question, to a situation that would give me total freedom to do whatever I want, I get a better perspective on what might true feelings are. By the way, the answer is still, "No". So I have confirmation that my wants meet what I have to or need to do.
Not all my answers are the same for what I want to do and what I need to or have to do. These are the things that cause minor or major conflict in me and the things that I continue to struggle with.
As I mentioned in my previous article I spent many years denying my true self and true feelings. I thought I was perverted, sick, ill, a sinner, etc. I knew how I felt and I felt it was wrong so didn't really get into any deep thoughts about it. Once I finally broke down and started questioning the "who, what, why, when and where's" I started to understand myself better and eventually I became at peace with it. It was a great feeling to finally get to the point where (internally at least) I am able to be who I am and love myself. I still need some external work on my physical appearance and on my ability to express myself more often but I guess Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
Since we're talking honesty here… that is my biggest problem right now. I want to be moving forward and improving every day. Right now I am kinda stuck in a place where that isn't happening. I don't know what the solution is at this point but I'm going to keep plugging away and have faith that it will all work out in the end.
That's all I have for now. I hope you got something out of this that you can put to work to improve your life today.
Until next time…
Kisses,
WARNING: This is only the first of many steps you'll need to take before you are ready to "come out". Don't take that leap until you have thought through all the possible scenarios, how you are going to react to their reactions and are sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are going to come out to your friends or loved ones. I'll probably write my next article about these things but there are a few things we have to cover first.
I think coming out to a loved one or friend is probably best compared to closing the biggest "sale" of your life. You are going to have to do the best "sales job" that you've ever done. To sell something effectively you have to believe in it. If you really believe in your product with all your heart and soul, it will come across to your prospective buyer. They will see your belief in your eyes and hear it in your voice. They don't buy what you are selling. They buy you.
What you say is important but how you say it is crucial. When I came out to my wife, and in many of our conversations since then, I tend to get a little emotional, bursting out in tears, most of the time. Now I'm not saying you should fake tears to make someone feels sorry for you. What I'm saying is that if your wife truly loves you and she can really see the pain you've felt and how important it is to you...that it isn't just some passing fancy...she SHOULD accept it more readily.
Unfortunately, if you don't believe or are faking it they will sense it. It doesn't matter how well you say it. They'll see through the charade. You only get one chance at this one so proper preparation is vital to your success. What is the first step to "coming out"?
To Thine Own Self Be True
This famous phrase is from the play Hamlet, written by William Shakespeare, and was undoubtedly inspired by Socrates (know thyself). It basically means "do not deceive yourself". If you deceived or lie to yourself then you are very likely to attempt to deceive others and vice-versa.
Ok, so what does some ancient quote have to do with "coming out" to your friends, family and the world?
The answer is "EVERYTHING".
How can you stop lying to them if you haven't stopped lying to yourself?
How can they know you if you don't know you?
How can you explain to them what you want if you don't know what you want?
How can they accept you if you haven't accepted you?
We all have to get in touch with our true reasons and motives for dressing.
Now, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this stuff. Some people need expert help to answer these questions. But I believe that most of us have the answers and have the ability to reason it out for ourselves. You just have to do what is necessary to get to know yourself. You probably will never know everything but you can get close.
Here are a couple of articles that I highly recommend you read:
What is Gender and Who is Transgendered?
http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/what_is_gender.htm
If I had to pick one article to hand to someone that explained gender, this would be the article. I believe it is spot on. I formed most of the same opinions on my own before I ever read it but the article spells out gender and gender issues from a scientific perspective better than any other article I've read.
A good friend of mine, Nikkie Stallen, wrote a document on communication:
http://www.femmexstudios.com/Files/Communication.doc
Nikkie and I don't agree on everything. We have very spirited debates about a lot of things but reading this article really put a lot of things in perspective for me and was very helpful in my relationship with my wife. It is the best article I've seen on communicating with your SO.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
- When did this begin?
- Why did it begin?
- Why do you feel compelled to do this?
- What is it that motivates you to dress?
- What exactly is it that you want?
- Where do you want this to go?
Here are some additional questions that your wife and other loved ones are definitely going to have:
- Are you gay or bisexual?
- Do you want to become a woman?
- Are you mentally ill?
- Why can't you just stop?
- Is this some kind of fetish?
- What will everyone think if they find out?
- Who can I talk to about this?
- Aren't you satisfied with me?
- What have I done wrong?
- Can we ever have a "normal" relationship again?
- Will I still get to spend time with the man I love?
- What will happen to us if I accept this?
- What will happen to us if I don't accept this?
If you don't know the answers to these questions then you are going to have a tough time answering them. Right? You have to answer these questions as accurately and honestly as possible.
You have to KNOW the answers and BELIEVE the answers with every ounce of your being.
I try to question everything, form an opinion and then question the opinion.
Sometimes it is really hard to give an honest answer because you start thinking about all the repercussions of your answer. One little trick that I like to use to get to my true feelings is to reframe my situation then ask the question.
Let's take the question "Do you want to become a woman?" as an example. Based on my existing situation (married, children, job, family, financial responsibilities, etc) the answer is an easy one, "No". It is easy because there is no way that I could afford to do it or want to put that on my family and kids. If I reframe the question it could change the answer or might confirm that what I want to do is what I need to or have to do. So, If my situation was different (single, had no kids, was independently wealthy, had no family and it wouldn't hurt anyone or myself) would I want to become a woman? By reframing the question, to a situation that would give me total freedom to do whatever I want, I get a better perspective on what might true feelings are. By the way, the answer is still, "No". So I have confirmation that my wants meet what I have to or need to do.
Not all my answers are the same for what I want to do and what I need to or have to do. These are the things that cause minor or major conflict in me and the things that I continue to struggle with.
As I mentioned in my previous article I spent many years denying my true self and true feelings. I thought I was perverted, sick, ill, a sinner, etc. I knew how I felt and I felt it was wrong so didn't really get into any deep thoughts about it. Once I finally broke down and started questioning the "who, what, why, when and where's" I started to understand myself better and eventually I became at peace with it. It was a great feeling to finally get to the point where (internally at least) I am able to be who I am and love myself. I still need some external work on my physical appearance and on my ability to express myself more often but I guess Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
Since we're talking honesty here… that is my biggest problem right now. I want to be moving forward and improving every day. Right now I am kinda stuck in a place where that isn't happening. I don't know what the solution is at this point but I'm going to keep plugging away and have faith that it will all work out in the end.
That's all I have for now. I hope you got something out of this that you can put to work to improve your life today.
Until next time…
Kisses,
Allie
Saturday, November 14th 2009 - The Matrix
No, I'm not talking about the movie...
I posted the question, "What Am I", on my blog some time ago. There were and still are a lot of questions that I need to answer. I'm still not sure where this is all going because I have to balance my wants and needs and those of my family. These things sometimes come in conflict but I think I am handling them fairly well most of the time. My family is also handling them fairly well most of the time too. There are times when one or the other of us don't and that seams to be where I have the most conflict. I am determined to make it work for all of us though.
I ran across an article written by Carl W. Bushong, PhD, LMFT on a website called TransGenderCare.com.
If you want to read the article here is the link:
http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/what_is_gender.htm
I think, of all the articles I have read, that this is the most comprehensive and concise description of gender and how it is developed. I can't see anything in the article that I disagree with. That said, I think this article has given me a lot more clarity of how and why I became what I am.
The article states that there are more than just one thing that influences gender. As I have mentioned before I don't believe that gender is black and white, that there are various shades of gray. I came up with this analogy myself and when I read the same thing in this article I knew I was on to something.
Dr. Bushong believes that there are a number of things that influence gender:
- Genetic Gender — Our chromosomal inheritance.
- Physical Gender — Our primary and secondary sexual characteristics.
- "Brain Gender" — Functional structure of the brain, along gender lines.
- "Brain Sex" — Love/sex Patterns, How we relate to others on a social and interpersonal as well as sexual level. "Love Maps."
- Gender Identity — Our subjective gender, our sexual Self-Map, how we feel ourselves to be: male or female.
It is his contention, "that it is possible for an individual to view oneself and function as a male or female to varying degrees in each of the five sub-categories independent of the others".
So, it is probable that I am a mix or as he states it "A MATRIX" of these different categories. Each of these sub-categories have independently influenced my gender development and my perception of that development.
Genetic Gender - I'm not sure of my true genetic gender since I have not been tested. I am obviously a male (XY), have a male physical body. But there is a chance that I might have that extra (Y) chromosome and fall into the XYY category. People with this extra chromosome show bi sexual and possibly exhibitionist tendencies and tend to have very low impulse control. I am very impulsive and have to fight that regularly. I am also have some bi sexual desires. For example, I do have the desire to be the female in the sexual role sometimes and have an attraction to male genitals. I have acted on those desires in the past but do not now since I desire to stay monogamous. If I was XXY then it would make more sense but I don't seam to have the external characteristics that Klinefelder's syndrome people have.
Now I don't know that I am XYY or XXY but I exhibit some of the characteristics of each.
Physical Gender - I am physically a man, that isn't really up for discussion. But I do believe there is a chance, and I wouldn't be surprised if I found out, that I didn't develop as a typical male. I believe that I wasn't exposed to the normal levels of testosterone in the womb. That is why I have a more feminine body, not much body hair, etc. I have very feminine traits physically even though I do have male genitalia.
Brain Gender - There are studies that show that people with Gender Identity issues have different brains. I haven't had testing for this either. I do know that I do have many, if not mostly, female brain gender characteristics. The things I have liked to do since childhood aren't typical of males and are more commonly found in females. I am very aware of emotional states...I love to write, I'm an artist, I love fashion, I liked to play by myself as a child (even with dolls when I could) and I have always been more interested in conversations with women and more socially related things. I have tried to conform but have never really been that competitive and didn't like sports as much as my friends. As I explore and come to understand my feminine side I am much more comfortable with feminine than masculine activities.
Brain Sex - I tend to have to like the person that I have sex with and don't feel comfortable having sex with just anyone. All of the people I have enjoyed sex with throughout the years have been women that I admired and had a romantic connection with. I have had some "one night stands" but those weren't nearly as fulfilling as my relationships. I've had a number of longer term girl friends and my wife and I have known each other for 25 years and been married for 23 years. I love the romantic environmental factors related to sex...candles, smells, feeling, touch, etc. I tend to love little things that are overlooked by most men. These little things are what give me stimulation.
Gender Identity - This is the last and probably the most important category. I definitely identify myself as female in gender. That doesn't mean that I want to cut off my male parts but I do feel like I am a woman trapped in a man's body. This is where the gender dysphoria comes in. I would currently classify myself as a crossdressing/trangendered/non-op transsexual. That is a lot to swallow but I don't clearly fit into any one category. I know that I'm not going to transition because of my family/career/life situation and I really am not that unhappy with being a man. I just wish that I could express myself much more often. I think I can do that and strike a happy medium without any serious emotional or psychological issues to me or my loved ones.
Genetic Gender - I'm not sure of my true genetic gender since I have not been tested. I am obviously a male (XY), have a male physical body. But there is a chance that I might have that extra (Y) chromosome and fall into the XYY category. People with this extra chromosome show bi sexual and possibly exhibitionist tendencies and tend to have very low impulse control. I am very impulsive and have to fight that regularly. I am also have some bi sexual desires. For example, I do have the desire to be the female in the sexual role sometimes and have an attraction to male genitals. I have acted on those desires in the past but do not now since I desire to stay monogamous. If I was XXY then it would make more sense but I don't seam to have the external characteristics that Klinefelder's syndrome people have.
Now I don't know that I am XYY or XXY but I exhibit some of the characteristics of each.
Physical Gender - I am physically a man, that isn't really up for discussion. But I do believe there is a chance, and I wouldn't be surprised if I found out, that I didn't develop as a typical male. I believe that I wasn't exposed to the normal levels of testosterone in the womb. That is why I have a more feminine body, not much body hair, etc. I have very feminine traits physically even though I do have male genitalia.
Brain Gender - There are studies that show that people with Gender Identity issues have different brains. I haven't had testing for this either. I do know that I do have many, if not mostly, female brain gender characteristics. The things I have liked to do since childhood aren't typical of males and are more commonly found in females. I am very aware of emotional states...I love to write, I'm an artist, I love fashion, I liked to play by myself as a child (even with dolls when I could) and I have always been more interested in conversations with women and more socially related things. I have tried to conform but have never really been that competitive and didn't like sports as much as my friends. As I explore and come to understand my feminine side I am much more comfortable with feminine than masculine activities.
Brain Sex - I tend to have to like the person that I have sex with and don't feel comfortable having sex with just anyone. All of the people I have enjoyed sex with throughout the years have been women that I admired and had a romantic connection with. I have had some "one night stands" but those weren't nearly as fulfilling as my relationships. I've had a number of longer term girl friends and my wife and I have known each other for 25 years and been married for 23 years. I love the romantic environmental factors related to sex...candles, smells, feeling, touch, etc. I tend to love little things that are overlooked by most men. These little things are what give me stimulation.
Gender Identity - This is the last and probably the most important category. I definitely identify myself as female in gender. That doesn't mean that I want to cut off my male parts but I do feel like I am a woman trapped in a man's body. This is where the gender dysphoria comes in. I would currently classify myself as a crossdressing/trangendered/non-op transsexual. That is a lot to swallow but I don't clearly fit into any one category. I know that I'm not going to transition because of my family/career/life situation and I really am not that unhappy with being a man. I just wish that I could express myself much more often. I think I can do that and strike a happy medium without any serious emotional or psychological issues to me or my loved ones.
I am going through the three phases of transition:
- I do believe that my Brain Gender is different than my Physical Gender. Check.
- I have accepted my True Female Self. Check
- I am in the process of becoming my True Female Self. Work in Progress.
So phase one and two are complete. I'm still dealing with the third phase. I'm not sure how much of my True Female Self I will become.
Please read the article. It really in the most concise explanation of gender that I've found. I think it will be very beneficial to each and everyone of you.
Talk to you soon...
Kisses,
Allie
Please read the article. It really in the most concise explanation of gender that I've found. I think it will be very beneficial to each and everyone of you.
Talk to you soon...
Kisses,
Allie
Monday, November 9th 2009 - Wish I Could Help
I was on PinkEssence.com and found a post from a friend of mine that lives in the North Texas area. It was very painful and scary to read.
**********start post**********
I DID IT!!!
Yes, I did indeed. I killed Valarie.
This morning after a fitful night of near-sleep I got up feeling a sense of self-loathing so intense I compelled myself to gouge my face on both sides and my forehead deeply with my fingernails. I'll never be pretty (or what it pleased me to think of as approaching "pretty") again.
No more worries about "not being tranny" enough! No more feeling left out during discussions of electrolysis, HRT, FFS or SRS! No more envy of all the people having fun at TG conventions I'll never get to to attend! Never again a concern about whom to "come out" to or how! Problems SOLVED!
**********end post**********
As soon as I read this I had a cold rush go over my body. I tried to contact her but realized that she has removed herself from all of the groups that we both belong to. I called a number of friends that I knew had her number so they could contact her.
I feel so helpless right now. I'm waiting to hear back from them.
This has really brought some of my recent feelings back...but now I'm on the other end of it. I now know how others would feel if I did the same thing.
I pray that she is ok.
I'll post something as soon as I find out.
Kisses,
Allie
Sunday, November 8th 2009 - Fortune Cookie
Today my wife, daughter and I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch.
After we finished eating they brought us our check and the customary fortune cookies. Whenever we get our cookies I let everyone else pick their's first and I get the one that is left. Not sure why I do this but I bet there is some deep rooted reason if you wanted to psychoanalyze me.
Anyway, I opened my cookie and here is the message that was inside:
"Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news."
Hummm, what do you think that means?
Well, I've been thinking about whether or not to tell my parents about my "transgenderedness". I know that isn't a word but don't have one word to describe it exactly. I really want to tell them. They are coming down for Christmas. My mother always has to jump in and do laundry even though we tell her not to. She always has to be doing something.
What if she does my laundry and goes into my closet and sees my wigs, shoes and stuff? She'll know they aren't my wife's. Why would my wife have a wig or size 11 shoes? This obviously presents a problem. Either I tell them or I hide my stuff when they come down.
On one side I want to tell them. But will telling them be more for me or for them? I mean they live in Denver so not telling them isn't that big of a deal is it? Won't it just cause them pain that they don't need to feel? I just want to be honest about it with everyone if I can. I feel terrible not telling them. I feel like I'm lying...which I guess I am.
So what should I do? Tell them or just hide my stuff?
Kisses,
Allie
After we finished eating they brought us our check and the customary fortune cookies. Whenever we get our cookies I let everyone else pick their's first and I get the one that is left. Not sure why I do this but I bet there is some deep rooted reason if you wanted to psychoanalyze me.
Anyway, I opened my cookie and here is the message that was inside:
"Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news."
Hummm, what do you think that means?
Well, I've been thinking about whether or not to tell my parents about my "transgenderedness". I know that isn't a word but don't have one word to describe it exactly. I really want to tell them. They are coming down for Christmas. My mother always has to jump in and do laundry even though we tell her not to. She always has to be doing something.
What if she does my laundry and goes into my closet and sees my wigs, shoes and stuff? She'll know they aren't my wife's. Why would my wife have a wig or size 11 shoes? This obviously presents a problem. Either I tell them or I hide my stuff when they come down.
On one side I want to tell them. But will telling them be more for me or for them? I mean they live in Denver so not telling them isn't that big of a deal is it? Won't it just cause them pain that they don't need to feel? I just want to be honest about it with everyone if I can. I feel terrible not telling them. I feel like I'm lying...which I guess I am.
So what should I do? Tell them or just hide my stuff?
Kisses,
Allie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
